An irresistible desire arose in my soul to share my road of recovery with you. I want to make a reservation right away, I do not impose my point of view on anyone and I am not going to teach anyone. I share my experience of recovery, and it is your decision to accept it or reject it. Although I am considered a person dependent on chemicals, but still, I am an ordinary person, just like any of you.
I have lived a certain part of my life – not an easy period for me, which led me to the place where I am today. I have continued to live in a chemical-free period for over fifteen years. Most of my friends are dead, these people have been knocked out of their lives by an irresistible desire to use chemicals. But they gave me a chance, and I stayed on, although I often stood on the brink of an abyss.
I remember there was always some kind of inner dissatisfaction in me, a desire for something unconscious, unknown. Events happened to me that made me reconsider my life and embark on the path of recovery.
Recently, in the process of using drugs, I plunged more and more into the swamp of madness. I started persecuting mania, paranoia, I was in a state of distorted perception of the world and myself. I became a natural zombie who became alien to simple human relationships. I just lost myself and the world around me.
All the pain that had accumulated over the years of my life spilled out of me uncontrollably. A life spent without a single tear suddenly took a completely different turn, I could start crying, or laugh hysterically, and this was completely out of my control. Apparently, my mind was rebelling, and my soul was crying. Some kind of endless, deep pain constantly bursting with me from within. I just disappeared, disappeared to myself.
And at this moment of devastating madness, I suddenly saw that I had simply lost any control, and most likely I saw that I had never had any control over myself or over my life. And then, with some kind of inner vision, I “saw”, felt my Soul, it trembled.
The thrill of the soul was transmitted to the whole body, this is not a dream and not a momentary fear, this is a state of earthly hell, in which I then lived for several more months.
Since my stress was associated with the use of chemicals, the world around me has changed dramatically, “dimmed” and “dried up”. There was a feeling of constant falling, an incredible heaviness, it seemed that under this oppression I was being pressed into the ground. Everything was just dying.
Having gathered together the remnants of faith, I decided to end this unbearable suffering and torment, I began to understand that I urgently needed help. When I asked for help, I completely trusted those who extended their hand to me. I ended up in a rehabilitation center.
Life began to be filled with some new meaning, what seemed important before became ridiculous and insignificant. My whole life seemed gray and empty. Everything changed in me: habits, character, worldview. Two different people: before and after. There was a desire to write poetry, to describe the rehabilitation period. I tried, something worked, not a poet, but still … I’m surprised myself …
The mode of life was changing – an internal reluctance to waste time, and there is no fatigue. There is not enough time for anything, although I did not know what to do with it before.
As for the Soul itself, its inner depth, it is hardly possible to find words here, but I will try.
Soul!!! Extraordinary beauty, “depth”, Greatness, Sacrament, Infinity and Eternity. Any other and extraordinary human abilities are all from the Soul, it is multifaceted.
Love for relatives and friends, Love for the world, Love for God – this is the highest manifestation of the Soul! Apparently, everything in this world, in the universe, is interconnected and one. And this unity is a connection through our Souls!
The knowledge gained during the rehabilitation process cannot be accurately described or expressed in words. This is what is at the level of subtle vibrations.
It is interesting that somewhere in the process of recovery, my former “I” was lost, and there is not the slightest desire to return what was drowning, and what was defined as “mine”. But this was not mine either, because it is given, temporary, which serves for certain purposes for a certain time.
It turns out that for God we are all equal, whoever we are. The difference exists only for us. Yes, we create our “hell” with our own “hands”.
After rehabilitation, when everything began to calm down a little, I was interested in what happened to me. No, I had no doubt that there was a transformation of my qualities. It’s like when you see the sun, you have no doubt that it is. I understood that each of us can make this transformation, so why not everyone can or want to do this, what is stopping them?
As I wrote above, over time, after rehabilitation, everything began to calm down a little. No, it did not go away, everything remained with me, but not as bright and intense as it was at the beginning of rehabilitation. Often there was a desire to return to the rehabilitation center, where I was reborn (altered state of consciousness).
They say: “Change yourself, and the world will change,” yes, I will subscribe to every word. But how to force yourself to embark on this path of recovery – the path to yourself?
There are teachers, of course, and there are many spiritual practices. But my impression is that until a chemical addict asks for help, stops rejecting help, and shows an intention to get well, nothing good will happen to him.